BC installed Keo Classic pedals on my road bike today.  It's been years since I used clipless pedals.  Les and Si, my tri coaches, asked me last night why I did not want them.  They thought perhaps I crashed and therefore refused to use them.  I never had a traumatic experience with them, I just found no fun in riding with them.  I rode my Cannodale road bike with the clipless pedals because I thought I had no choice.  I rode the bike to and from work in the Bay area for a while and was thrown off balance with my back pack.  Also, I had trouble getting out of the pedals which caused falls more like tip overs.  BC switched them out to platforms.  I have used them ever since and refused to use the clipless pedals. 

I realized at Wildflower that I definitely need clipless pedals for efficiency and made that one of my goals for 2008.  I enjoyed riding my bike on my trainer today with the keo classic pedals.  It made me think why I didn't want them in the first place.  I guess the real answer is that I don't feel like I'm in control with the clipless pedals.   I will feel comfortable once I have practiced until I feel like I'm in control.

I resigned from my position at the law firm on Friday afternoon and I found out that I passed the bar on Friday night.  So Byebye job!  Byebye bar study materials! 

I just feel so much lighter.  Now, I can start making my dreams come true.  I have dreamed of becoming a prosecutor of children offenders.  In order to do that I had to pass the bar.  Now that I have, I am one step closer to my goal.  I am going to submit my application in the fall.

I also plan to race the USAT championship in Vegas in October.  I just don't want to finish the olympic distance, but I want to race it.  I believe I have all the resources to finish in front of the middle of the pack.

I am going to stay focused on my two goals. 

I have had a secret for nearly 12 years and want to disclose it, and let it go.  

I carry with me emotional baggage stemming from summer of 96, when I learned that I was not successful in taking the bar.  It was an ego buster and I thought there must have been a mistake because I had never failed in anything that I attempted.  I was 25 years old when I sat for the bar and I was supposed to be a fabulous attorney.  That's what my family and friends thought.  I still recall my uncle Gus at my wedding in March of 1995, raise his glass and toasting the bride, the attorney he proclaimed with pride.  I feel like I have let everyone in my life who believes in me, down.

I am not embarrassed that I have not been able to pass the bar.  I have taken it several times, only to come less than two points from passing.  It's not the long hours that I spend in preparing it, or the 18 hour exam itself.  It's the disappointment.  I don't recall ever crying about not passing because I feel like I can always try again.  However, I feel like I have disappointed all those who believe in me.  Those who still support me when I attempt the bar.  Thank you and I am sorry for letting you down.

I will be getting my results this Friday and really have not thought much about it.   I don't even want to check the website at 6pm when the results become available.  I just realized that it's this emotional baggage that has been weighing me down this past week unbeknownst to me. 

Lately I find myself extremely tired.  I don't know if I am more affected by situations because I am so tired and therefore more susceptible.  My body and mind feel like it's just going to shut down at any moment and sometimes I pray that it does.  I cannot recall ever feeling this way.  With that said, I seem to find solace in my workouts.  Perhaps because it's structured and makes sense, unlike people.  

Today is a rest day and I definitely need it.  But some part of me needs and wants to workout.  Yesterday, I was running on empty when I came home from work and had to resort to my reserves for my run.  Once, I hit the trail, I became alive.     

I must admit that I am a first time blogger.  I heard about them, was sort of interested in them, but never blogged.  It actually took me a few days to explore this workout log once my tri coash, Les, set it up.  She must have thought either I was lazy or did not care to update my log.  The truth is, I was a little intimidated because I was not sure what was what or what to do exactly.   It's a little embarrassing because my soon to be 14 year old niece, Tatiana, has a my space page and creates and updates pages for others.  But like anything else, once I got over the fear of the unknown, I jumped in and began to play.  It was a lot of fun and I was addicted.  I did not even have to think twice when I found how easy it was to write a blog.  I began to write exactly what I felt and was thinking at that time, not thinking of the repercussions.  Why would there be, it was my personal blog?  Then I realized that you could send the site to friends and it was very easy.  

At first, I only sent the link to BC and to my sister, Bridgette.  Bridgette and I share a passion for sports and working out, so i thought she would enjoy it.  Who else would care how much I work out, eat and weigh?  But after Wildflower, I got so many calls and e-mails asking me how it was.  And why wouldn't they?  I have only been talking about Wildflower for months.  It felt good having people take an interest, so I sent my link to them.  While I was doing that, I figured I send to all my friends because I was so proud of my accomplishment and wanted to share it with everyone.  But that also means they see EVERYTHING.  Sure I could limit the workout and nutrition sections, and only have my blog and photo album viewed, but why should I?  My daily struggles and accomplishments are a big part of my journey, they are the steps that will ultimately lead me to each of my destinations, whether it is a oly distance, long course, 1/2 IM, IM or even a club race.   

This leads me to my question, why is this one so hard?  I had no problems writing any of my previous blog entries.  These entries are primarily for me, which I have chosen to share.  But I feel like once I write and save my next entry (this entry), then Wildflower 2008 will be forgotten.  The thought of EVER forgetting Wildflower 2008 frightens me.  I have to admit that I replay the race over and over again in my head when I'm in bed, right before I go into a deep sleep.  And I find myself re-reading my Wildflower blog entry because it makes it feel so much real.  I get that feeling I had on that day and it's a wonderful feeling that I don't want to let  go.  I'm scared that I will forget that feeling once I set my next goal.  I know what my next goal is, but I fear that if i write it, Wildflower 2008 is no more.  I guess the reality of it is that Wildflower 2008 is over;  This realization saddens me... 

I could probably write a book about the wonderful Wildflower experience, but I will try to sum it up in this blog entry.  Perhaps most would say that it was not a true Wildflower experience since I opted to stay at a hotel in Paso Robles, and not at the campsite which makes the race so unique.  When I registered for the race back in December, I was planning on camping out with TCSD.  But as it got closer and after a weekend at Vail Lake in March, I knew it was not so wise for this first Oly timer.  I needed every advantage: sleep, food, place to lay out my gear and a hot bath.   

We dropped off our boys, Watson and Benson, in Los Angeles at my mom's on Saturday am and arrived in Paso Robles before noon.  After we checked in and dropped off our gear at our beautiful hotel suite with a kitchen, we drove to the race site to pick up our packets.  To our surprise we saw numerous Long Course riders riding up Interlake Dr.  And even more surprised when they let us drive up the road.  The riders were miles away from mile 56 and it was obviously difficult for each rider going up hill.  I cheered them on as we drove passed them.  I then realized I am glad I was not them and that I am only doing 25 miles.  We reached the race site and it was huge and beautiful.  Lots of people, cars, booths, music and non-stop beauty everywhere;  The lake, and hills filled with flowers.  We picked up our packets, watched the race and cheered on the runners a mile away from the finish line.  Again, it was obvious they were hurting at mile 12 and I told myself that I was only doing 6 miles.  It didn't seem so bad after all and I had an idea of what my race would be like the next day.  I made a decision then and there that no matter what happened in my race, that I would do the Wildflower long distance next year.

As we drove back to the hotel, I promised (and reminded) myself that I was going to have fun.  I actually could not wait to be in the midst of the surrounding beauty of Lake San Antonio.  I found myself relaxed and for the first time, slept before a race:  No pre-race jitters.  On race morning, I woke up at 5 am, got dressed into my TCSD gear, ate breakfast, and loaded up the car and on our way by 6 am.  We parked which is I am told 1 mile from the race site.  Tim, a volunteer, offered to help us with our bags while we walked our bikes down and at that moment, I knew it was going to be a good day.  It definitely was.  

My strategy was to have fun-enjoy the water because it's the best part of the race, take it very easy on the bike and save my legs for the run.  There were 25 waves and I was number 20.   I waited for everyone to go in (as ususal) and I just began to swim with ease.  I reminded myself over and over of what my masters coach told me for months about my stroke and what Les my tri coach recently told me in my last session with her.  I did not want the swim to end;  It felt so good.  I veered off course a few times, but the volunteers stopped me from going way off (as I usually do).  

I ran into transition and onto the bike.  I had a luna bar and drank soda.  I heard about Lynch hill, but you really don't know til you actually experience it.  I was hating every second of that first one mile hill.  I got through it and the rest did not seem so bad.  I reminded myself that if I could do that first mile, then these other hills are doable.  I was not going to walk my bike up.   I took very easy, so easy that I forgot I was in a race.  It felt more like a group ride.  I was enjoying the views even if it meant being passed up left and right.  I had a game plan and I was sticking to it.  I ate a luna bar and drank lots and lots of gatorade. 

After the 25 mile bike ride, I remembered that it was a race and I had to do a 6 mile run.  My legs felt great, but I just was not looking forward to it.  I had a bite of a luna bar and took my fuel belt which contained soda and gatorade.  I quickly started to chat it up with a few other runners thinking that it would help pass the time.  But I felt the pace was to slow so I went on my own.  So many walkers and I knew walking was not an option for me.  All I had to do was not walk and I gained so much ground.  I think that motivated me because at one point up the big hill near the halfway point, i was the only one running up.  I got so much support that it made me not want to stop.  Also, I represent the TCSD by wearing its gear so I can't be seen walking.  I felt as though I was getting stronger and stronger as I neared 8k.  I picked up my pace and when I saw the 9k marker, in my mind, I finished my first olympic distance tri race.  I was elated and on cloud nine.  I continued to pass other runners and i could not believe it.  When I reached the chute, I was told that I had 400 meters to the finish line.  My smile only grew bigger and I was told that I was making it look too easy.  I passed a few more people in the  chute.  There were two more people in front of me and I thought about it.  But my muscles for the very first time of the race held me back.  The thought of stopping shy of the finish line because of my muscles failing me flashed in my mind and that thought scared me.  I finished feeling so good.

My original and ambitious goal after viewing last years results was 3:45-3:50.  I wanted to be front of the back of the pack or back of the middle of the pack.  As the race drew closer and I did not feel as prepared, my goal was to just finish. 

My 2008 results:  1.5k swim:  37:37; 40k bike: 2:00:16; 10krun:  1:02:07 Overall time: 3:49:50. 

Below is a picture taken by a fellow TCSD member of me in the final 400 meters to the finish line.  Courtesy of C.Flynn.

Today was supposed to be a complete workout free day according to my schedule, but I had to be in the pool.  My 6 am Masters swims have not only become a habit, but an important part of my life.  On Monday, Wednesday, Friday, without fail, I wake up at 5:30, get ready, take my boys (two adorable yorkies) out, grab my gear and off to the pool.  I not only look forward to the workout, but the people in the pool and most of all, my coach.  

It's been a long time, but my hand hit the pool lane this morning and it brought me back 8 months ago, when I began the Masters swims.  I would get butterflies in my stomach on the way to practice.  I could never keep track of my intervals and I would come home with bruises on my knuckles because I constantly hit the pool lane.  I kept going to the am workouts not only because I  loved the water (I could have gone to a public pool and swim on my own), but mostly because of the support I got from my swim coach.   I think I overslept once and the next swim workout coach asked if I enjoyed sleeping in.  I was shocked he even knew I was not there.  I then found myself scheduling everything around my swim workouts.  I made swim practice even when it poured rain.  I don't know if I would ever call myself a swimmer, but I do know I have come a long way and that I truly love the water.  I will be swimming 1 mile in open water for the first time ever on Sunday.  I am ready.