The first half of 2008 was eventful. It started off with a top 10 finish in the USAT competition, followed by finishing my first olympic distance race at Wildflower, and then, passing the bar. I believe that once I set a goal and really stay focused, I can do anything. The past two weeks I have been coasting, borderline flaky.
I have set new goals for the remainder of this year and need to buckle down. I need to keep up with my workouts. I was sort of overwhelmed of the amount of workouts, and resisted them. I now know that they are non-negotiable in order for me to achieve my desired results. No more excuses and no more fears, just do them and do them with my best efforts.
BC installed Keo Classic pedals on my road bike today. It's been years since I used clipless pedals. Les and Si, my tri coaches, asked me last night why I did not want them. They thought perhaps I crashed and therefore refused to use them. I never had a traumatic experience with them, I just found no fun in riding with them. I rode my Cannodale road bike with the clipless pedals because I thought I had no choice. I rode the bike to and from work in the Bay area for a while and was thrown off balance with my back pack. Also, I had trouble getting out of the pedals which caused falls more like tip overs. BC switched them out to platforms. I have used them ever since and refused to use the clipless pedals.
I realized at Wildflower that I definitely need clipless pedals for efficiency and made that one of my goals for 2008. I enjoyed riding my bike on my trainer today with the keo classic pedals. It made me think why I didn't want them in the first place. I guess the real answer is that I don't feel like I'm in control with the clipless pedals. I will feel comfortable once I have practiced until I feel like I'm in control.
I resigned from my position at the law firm on Friday afternoon and I found out that I passed the bar on Friday night. So Byebye job! Byebye bar study materials!
I just feel so much lighter. Now, I can start making my dreams come true. I have dreamed of becoming a prosecutor of children offenders. In order to do that I had to pass the bar. Now that I have, I am one step closer to my goal. I am going to submit my application in the fall.
I also plan to race the USAT championship in Vegas in October. I just don't want to finish the olympic distance, but I want to race it. I believe I have all the resources to finish in front of the middle of the pack.
I have had a secret for nearly 12 years and want to disclose it, and let it go.
I carry with me emotional baggage stemming from summer of 96, when I learned that I was not successful in taking the bar. It was an ego buster and I thought there must have been a mistake because I had never failed in anything that I attempted. I was 25 years old when I sat for the bar and I was supposed to be a fabulous attorney. That's what my family and friends thought. I still recall my uncle Gus at my wedding in March of 1995, raise his glass and toasting the bride, the attorney he proclaimed with pride. I feel like I have let everyone in my life who believes in me, down.
I am not embarrassed that I have not been able to pass the bar. I have taken it several times, only to come less than two points from passing. It's not the long hours that I spend in preparing it, or the 18 hour exam itself. It's the disappointment. I don't recall ever crying about not passing because I feel like I can always try again. However, I feel like I have disappointed all those who believe in me. Those who still support me when I attempt the bar. Thank you and I am sorry for letting you down.
I will be getting my results this Friday and really have not thought much about it. I don't even want to check the website at 6pm when the results become available. I just realized that it's this emotional baggage that has been weighing me down this past week unbeknownst to me.
Lately I find myself extremely tired. I don't know if I am more affected by situations because I am so tired and therefore more susceptible. My body and mind feel like it's just going to shut down at any moment and sometimes I pray that it does. I cannot recall ever feeling this way. With that said, I seem to find solace in my workouts. Perhaps because it's structured and makes sense, unlike people.
Today is a rest day and I definitely need it. But some part of me needs and wants to workout. Yesterday, I was running on empty when I came home from work and had to resort to my reserves for my run. Once, I hit the trail, I became alive.
